21.10.09

Psychic's ramble!

Being special like every other thing has two sides. One that makes you feel good and one that scares you and causes you pain.
Growing up as a psychic in a family of psychics was fun. I remember small things like buying a hotdog becoming extraordinary with a vision that made me see exactly how much it would cost. Or after a break in school going to a math class and knowing that we are going to have a test. I told my best friend we are going to have a test and she said"no way, we had one last week". I told her that our math teacher will first teach us the next chapter and then test us on the previous one. And she did n't believe mostly because it was crazy. Apptitude tests come before teaching a new subject so this was making no sense. As the rest of the class listened to the teacher i was studying the previous chapter. And then suddenly he says :"Take out a piece of paper". My best friend looked at me with her eyes wide open. She kept asking how did i know. So that was fun. Acing that test was also fun. I felt unique and talented and proud. Once i saved my family from a fire and that felt also nice and relieving of course.
Then my teens came along and i could practice it every now and then in my mom's office. My accurate readings and the reactions of the clients made me feel like a star. Vanity comes with youth. I saw difficult things like sicknesses and death and i had no problem saying those things. It was a piece of cake. It was n't my fault those bad things would happen. I learned that very early.

People seem to remember a cute little girl in her pj's with a doll under her arm, suddenly saying weird, intimate things that were going to happen. One lady said:"it was so scary". Meaning, i was so scary.

I saw things i could n't understand, like death. How was i to know that those bad things would not happen to my mom and dad. And how was i supposed to know that i was n't causing those bad things. I said so and it happened. Would n't that make me bad? So night terrors came along. My mom had a hard time explaining to me what i was going through. Why i knew things about people i had never met. And everything calmed down a bit.

Then my mom and i played games like "what is this man thinking about"? and "do not try to think it. Feel it". "No logic just feelings". Card readings,tea leaves, hypnosis and magick. But of course all should be kept quiet. No one could ever know. It was a secret. Which was confusing. If it was n't something bad why could n't i talk about it with my friends.

The response was the same every time. Other people will not understand. Other people are not like us. So, all these explain the arrogance of my teen years. I was special.
If someone asked for a reading, they should be prepared. It was n't my fault if anything bad would appear. Everything was clear. Everything made sense. What i did made sense.

Then i moved out. I had my own practice now. And i knew what i was doing. I would just have to keep doing what i did. But then person, after person came.. They were n't strangers anymore. And what i said matter. But most of the times i had to convience that i was for real and that i was not a crook. Then i had to explain that my job was n't to sooth people's minds or tell them what they want to hear.The beauty is still there but sometimes i get so caught up doing those two things that it frustrates me.

I guess now it is more real. I am attached to people and care about them and what is going to happen to them. I just have to accept that it is human nature to not want to hear the "bad stuff". But it would be nice for once to feel like i am indestuctible again. Feeling makes you vulnerable. My old self would say weak. But strenght comes from feeling not the lack of it. I should keep that in mind.

So this was pretty much my life story. I hope i did n't bore you. Be Blessed, be happy and love.

8 comments:

Shadow said...

boring? are you crazy, this was great to read!!! and feelings, yeah, good and bad, light and dark. as with most things. sometimes i wish i didn't know something, then i would have to react to it, but knowing it does also let me prepare for it... as for you dear girl, i think you know how to find your balance. and look past feeling being a weakness... after all, if you know about it, you can protect yourself against it...

Tracy said...

I think this is the first time you've shared this about yourself!

I'm am fascinated!

Your's is a very powerful gift and as a child, I'm sure it was quite easy to convince yourself that you were making these things happen and that they were your fault. I can also see how it would feel that you were special because, after all, you are!!!

Embrace your gift and who you are!

The Traveler said...

Doctor's and nurse's go through a very similar thing. When you get attached to the person and not just the body(or in your case the experience) it becomes harder to disappoint them or tell them something that may cause pain. The good ones suffer and do it anyways. The bad ones become emotionless cogs in the machine. Be thankful that you are in the first catagory, everyone you meet and effect will be.

Autumnforest said...

That was a fantastic description! My son and I used to play a game in the waiting room at the doctor's office. He'd sit across from me and look through a magazine. I'd tell him to stop on a page and stare at it. Then, I'd tell him what it was. He'd smile and turn the magazine around to show the picture I just described. My mother was scared of her abilities. Traditional Christian upbringing made her confused. I learned to read objects from a young age and I remember digging up relics on our property and telling about the owners in the past. My mother would pat my head and say I was very imaginative and creative. So, whenever I told visitors about what they were going through in their personal lives, my mother would say "she's so creative." I never thought of reading bad stuff as an awful curse. It's all just part and parcel of being alive--having bad things happen, learning from them, moving on, experiencing the full spectrum of feelings. A friend tried to describe it and I said, "it's like being as human as you possibly can be to where others memories and feelings are able to flow right through you and you can stop and study them or let them go. When you do readings, you never feel so much truly present--in all times, all places, all people." I'm so glad to hear someone else admit what it's like.

Mejis said...

You have a wonderful gift that most people are too afraid to understand. I, myself, think it's fascinating. Thanks for posting this.

psychic lara said...

most of the people dont know that they have this psychic gift till its too late

Carolina Gonzalez said...

I have found your blog today through Pagan Culture and I had to leave a comment to say how much I have enjoyed reading it! I love the way you write and I think we are on the same mind-wave! I already added myself as follower :).

Bridgett said...

Boring? Not even a little.
In fact, I would love to hear more.

)O(
boo