26.1.14

About songs and endings

I can not sleep! I am sitting motionless, completely still, listening to the rain falling hard outside my window. It feels as time ceased and I am lingering in a dark void.
Today was my final recital and I got my diploma with flying colours. Naturally I am overfilled by emotions, relief, happiness, love, pride, emptiness, nostalgia! It took me ten years to get here which is very little for that sort of thing but it is almost a third of my life and my entire adulthood! I can not stop thinking.. Well good, now what?
In one hand, I am a certified soprano, I could start a career and on the other I always thought that would be the end of the line for me! I was stretched too thin to get here and I kept pushing myself forward by thinking, just a little bit more, you can do it. I persevered but what I have not thought out, was the fact I do not want to quit! I do not care if I am not doing that professionally(I can not afford the time or the effort of that pursuit), but I just have to sing! When I perform I feel close to the Goddess, it is spiritual and it takes all I got!
I do not know how it is all going to work out timewise but ever since I came home I can not stop crying and that says something!! I will find the time! At the beginning of the year an operatic theatrical team asked me to join them, I think I will do that!
I was never good in dealing with endings, so I have to make it into a new beginning! Because I realised my musical side is not just something I can turn off!
Forgive my long rant, but you all know by now, you act as my extremely underpaid therapists!

6 comments:

mxtodis123 said...

Congratulations. What a great accomplishment.
Mary

angela said...

Congratulations a,d very well done. Of cause your emotional all that time and energy and now that part of it is over. I day go for it. If ite too much you can moderate it to fit into your life. But if you don't then the " what if's" I'll always linger in the back of your head.
Good luck xxxx

Leeanna said...

Congratulations, my dear!! I am so proud of you! You finally did it! As for the rant, you're just letting off steam from all the pressure you went through. I'm really so proud!

Optimistic Existentialist said...

Congratulations! And I love your introspective writing.

Lon Anderson said...

Congratulations to you my friend.

rose of Walk in the Woods, LLC said...

Big, beautiful, bountiful blessings to you! What a wonderful achievement.

Clearly, this is an integral part of you, and you're right, you can't turn it off. Nor "should" you. That operatic theatrical team sounds like a wonderful and fitting opportunity ~ for you *and* the goddess.