7.1.16

Lost my cool

Greetings blogfriends.  Today I am going for my rai treatment trial run and to do every medical exam known to man. All these days I have surprised myself with my compartmentalizing skills.  I remembered again and again the quote of Phoebe about Santa on prozac in disneyworld getting layed,  which if you are a huge friends geek like me you know.  I mean I was the coolest.
 I did a decent effort to replace my lacking thyroid hormones with caffeine and running 50 flights of stairs a day for energy (which is not a comic hyperbole,  I run up and down 50 flights of stairs a day, me, hypothyroid!). I also have huge amounts of Saint john wort's teas along with other delightful herbs to keep me happy.  I try to undereat which becomes increasingly harder as my energy needs diminish by the day, so that I don't gain a crazy amount of weight while waiting for my treatment. I dance like crazy to not feel cold( so Shakira replaced Mozart in our house!). I meditate to keep my cognitive function up and running,  so I fought "hypohell" as it is so eloquently described with every fiber of my being.  All that while trying to prepare my sweet daughter that mommy will be away for about a month.
 And then yesterday my last night with her for that period of time after I put her for sleep with a smile I had a tiny melt down.  And by tiny imaging something between Chernobyl and Fukusima. I managed to walk to the living room from the nursery before I hit the floor sobbing and crying and keep saying to myself it's going to be okay again and again in English for some reason.  The fact that she is going to fall and cry, wake up scared, feel sad and need her mommy while I am away from her hit me like a bus. All that time I focused on the positive and then finally yesterday I couldn't.  This is a child that has  only spent the night of my surgery away from me ever since she was born and now this. I admit it.  I lost my cool!
 But now I have to go, run my stairs and get ready.  Talk to you soon. Love you all!!

13 comments:

Leeanna said...

My dear, my heart cries for you. Such heartbreak. Hopefully, the time away from her will fly. Heartfelt blessings.

mxtodis123 said...

I'm so sorry. You have every right to cry, and it's best that you let it out rather than hold it in and let it eat away at you. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way. You are in my prayers.
Mary

Valerie said...

Sending white light your way--hoping all goes well.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

All will be well! Thinking of you.

diandrasknusperhaus.org said...

Just know that everything is going to be okay.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you

Norm.

Toni said...

Can you communicate with her via facetime or instagram? Or maybe leave her a little picture and love letter for each morning or night?

My heart hurts for you and her. Sending you love and light.

Magaly Guerrero said...

I understand the hurt and the tears, for even if you stay strong for yourself it is a lot more difficult to keep from breaking down when it comes to those we love most.

I shall keep you in my thoughts. Hope this month passes very fast... and that the treatment is a success... ♥

Bouncin Barb said...

Your baby girl will be fine. Kids adjust so much easier than adults. You have to do this so you can be so much better and healthier for her and you in the long run. Be strong but it's ok to cry. You're human after all. I hopeyou are able to keep in communication with us while you're in the hospital. Sending hugs and positive energies your way! XX

mahler76 said...

Εύχομαι στο τέλος να πάνε όλα καλά!

Magic Love Crow said...

My friend, I am so sorry! You know your family loves you and you know we all love you! Everything is going to turn out well! I know, it's not easy, because you have to be away for a month, but this is all going to be for the best! Sending love, hugs and blessings!

WENDY YUKIHIRO said...

hello my dear, I am so sorry that you can't go through this without your daugther I was lucky that I had my son at the time 3-4 by my side with my husband through all my 4months of chemo and even to this day he my son remembers at 15years old. I know the goddess will be protecting you little girl and she will be just find you have to be strong and beat this monster cancer. to life for yourself and your little girl I am always around if you need to chat. I am going back to my cancer doctor that I have seen in a while i am nervous but I know i will be fine I keep taking my med. love you hugs and lots of blessing and light Wendy

Peter Alexander Vaughn said...

Lovely blog.
LVX