Choosing light over darkness sometimes takes all you got

Greetings blogfriends. How are you? I have beeen away for so long! Melina Nefeli is growing up so quickly she now wears clothes for 18-24 months old and she is only 5! She knows the words milk, mom, dad and hi(in greek of course).  She has two best friends in the form of the two most caring and loving cats that constantly compete for her attention.
This last couple of days something sad happened to me. I realised just now that i have never talked here about my relationship with my father. It has always been a really strenuous one. He has a bad temper and it was really hard growing up with a person that constantly calls you and your mother names, yells and throws stuff and threatens you with physical violence(that he has not acted upon). His episodes happen completely unexpectedely. The minute you let your guard down, show him affection or even think of giving him another chance he has a violent outburst. In the five months of my daughter's life he has n't seen her more than fifteen times and in that little time he had with her he managed to cause the three most negative experiences of her life. The first when she was a newborn he started yelling at my mother because she said they should leave. The second time he came with my mom to take the dog and he was waiting in the car and my mom stayed a few more minutes. He repeatedly pressed the bell(who he knows is a very loud one) for over thrity times(probably a lot more he was doing it for several minutes), making both the pediatrician and a client of mine who were here to ask worryingly what is wrong. And the third one and last one ever when he came with my mom two days ago and while i was feeding the baby he started calling me names and cursing loudly in my apartment building and in front of the baby  because half an hour earlier i told him not to kiss the baby's hands because she puts her in the mouth. This kind of language has never been spoken in my house before. This kind of yelling never took place in the past in my house and i promised myself that my baby will not see that kind of ugliness again. So, i cut him off. I told my mother i never want to see him again in my life. My baby will know only love and compassion.
I feel free and calm and i knew when it happpened that it was for the best. A true blessing in disguise. Somehow, although for years we were astranged, through my mom he found a way back in my life. Now i do not have to put up with him ever again.
The minute he left and i put the baby to sleep i cast every cleansing, protection spell known to man.  Before i begun i was so angry at him.After that i was exhausted but the rage was gone.I even felt sorry for him and all the things he lost and will lose from our lives. I was calm by then and i knew what needed to be done. The Goddess was truly in my heart. And the next morning i turned a new page in my life.
There were a few moments that the light and darkness fought inside me. And he is the only person in my life that made me want to use dark magic(several times in my life i had thoughts i am not proud of). I am so glad i did not feed that endless cycle of hate and i just let go. Now there is room in my heart only for love and that would not be the case if i chose to channel my anger into something bad. That was n't always the case.
When i was a teenager my mom and i were reading a book of magic while taking breakfast(we were weird like that). And there was a dark spell to cause harm(i do not remember the specifics). Only like many others that it had blanks were you put the name of the person and the name of its mother. And i did not perform the ritual i just read it outloud with his name in the blanks. My mom freaked out. We were n't studying dark magic to cast it but to know to protect from it. Within the hour he came home violently ill. I was amazed. I did not do the ritual, i was not even concentrated when i read  the spell. But there was all this residual anger lingering, waiting to take form that it made it easy. I read the reversal and my mom was cleansing our home for months after that and i never did anything like that ever again. But i remember how easy it felt. I do not want to admit it but i liked it.. It felt like i was gaining control of my life when in fact i was losing it.
When i felt i could not protect my baby from him all those feelings resurfaced and i had to focus on the people i love and everything i care about to not get sucked into the darkness. I am so happy i did. Hopefully everyone will move on now.