A friend told me today that i am on track. He did n't say it as a bad thing. But there are times that i feel like i have lost huge chunks of myself in the process of growing up. I guess that is no news. I guess it happens to everyone. But days like this when P. is home only to sleep for weeks because he is recording i feel a little weird. And then the most useless of all emotions kick in, quilt. I feel so quilty because i could be more understanding, because i do all this negative thoughts, because my mind wonders of to my ex. Do not get me wrong. I do not have feelings for him and i am deeply in love with P. But, my ex reminds me of a person i used to be. It seems like a different lifetime and i quess if i saw myself then i would nt recognise it.
Living alone, working,being in a serious relationship, sorting out friendships and most of all soulsearching has got me to a place that i did nt know i wanted to be. I worry about health insurance for crying out loud! It feels like i am having a middle age crisis in the age of 24! But now i have to stand on my own. There is a cost in being worry free. Someone else has to take care of you. So, why do i feel sad that if i wanted i could n;t pick up and leave? I am attached to my home, my plants, my pets, my job, my whole life. Since all this make me happy, why do i feel nostalgic of who i used to be? I used to be neurotic, self centered, insecure. I would nt go back even if you paid me. But along with all that i was more open to people and more social, more crazy, more spontanious and of course care free. I could never see myself worrying about homeowner's meetings back then. I would have a sarcastic comment for that person and i would advise it to get a life. Have you ever felt like you have grown up too fast?
Maybe i feel this way because everyone in my age i know is still living with their parents,still trying to get a degree and find out what they want to do with their lives. Not that i think i have everything sorted out. I do not. But i have goals, and i try to be practical. I have been lucky and blessed to have had some very good experiences and some awful ones that have changed me in a very young age and turned me into the person i am. I do not go clubbing anymore cause i do not like it. I do not go to spring breaks. Instead i check my budget to see if i can go on vacations and pay the bills. I guess i am on track. And i am just in a different fase than my friends. But i am happy and that is what matters.
I still want to do some crazy stuff though! For example i have never done pot and i want to try that(have you ever tried?). I want to go budgy jumping. I want to summon the dead... But most of all i want to have many more romantic dinners, laughs with Petros, s e x , maybe a new pet and some day babies.
Middle age crisis over. Hopefully i will revisit the subject in my fifties. Damn! Blogging is so much better than therapy. I hope i did n't bore you!
Brightest blessings to all.
5.8.09
Being on track...
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3 comments:
Absolutely normal feelings. I went through the same thing around 25. I moved back to the town I went to high school in and I was going to have a baby and was happily married, but I kept thinking of my ex too. I think it's normal because it represents a time in your life when others took care of you and you didn't have to be so adult. When you came first before job, baby, husband, whatever... It's a perfectly normal adjustment into adulthood as you take on more responsibilities. In fact, men have it too--when their wives get pregnant. They suddenly miss being single and carefree and not having to be responsible for two other people. It's adjustment time and reflecting on the girl who had no cares in the world is just part of realizing that it's worth having control of your life and not being dependent on others, even if it means no more long summers with nothing to do but lie on the beach. Ultimately, you gain that confidence that "no matter what happens, so long as I have myself, I'm going to be okay."
It's called growing up, plain and simple. I went through the exact same thing in my mid-20's.
And even still, at age 33, I find myself longing for that carefree girl of 18 I once was. Then I look at my husband and my two babies and I don't feel quite so nostalgic anymore. :)
Big hugs.
blogging is definatly great therapy! i love it! thanks so much for your warm wishes! i have missed blogland much more then i expected.
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