It is 4.30 am and i do not feel like sleeping. I went through all of your recent posts. I listened to music. I played with Phoebe and yet here i am. Sleepless in Athens!
I have some strange thoughts lately. I am constantly afraid of losing people from my life. Which is weird because death is not something that scares me. Well, loss scares me. I have only lost my grandmother and it is a pain i do not want to relive. I know that it is a part of life but suddenly the need to hang tight from the physical world takes over. It is not like me and i am trying to turn it into something positive. I spend a lot of time with friends and family and try to make the most of it.
Lately i feel i am more like myself. I am reminded of the person i used to be before all the darkness filled my life with coldness and pain. And i am grateful it seems to be over now and that i am capable of living! Balance is a difficult thing to accomplice. I am not there yet, but i am closer than before. Maybe that is where the fear of loss begins. I am afraid of getting lost again into that dark cold labyrinth that with every step i take i get deeper and deeper inside it , more lost and more alone. Until everything is so overwhelming that breathing gets difficult and living impossible. That is what scares me. To be once more an unwilling viewer of my life not able to control it.
Control is an illusion that can be very dangerous. To gain it, you can allow yourself to do unbelievable things and transform into something unrecognisable.. I understand now that i can not control everything. I have learned it the hard way.
But maybe, just maybe i can control my sleeping habits and make them a little more tollerable! I head to bed now. Wish me sleep! Blessings to all!
29.6.09
Sleepless in Athens!
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5 comments:
Well... I had a huge reply to say to all of this... but I had second thoughts about posting it... Much too deep and I'd probably bring anyone down who read it.
All I can say is I feel almost as if I'm following in your footsteps with being trapped and lost in a dark labyrinth... but I'm slowly getting more grounded, more balanced...
Even the sleeping thing :-p If it's any help, I'd say chamomile tea, lavendar for your pillow and calm relaxing music playing LIGHTLY... it kind of makes the mind stop running in circles and yeah. I'll send sleep wishes your way. Hopefully you'll get a good nights rest and You can work on finding more control and balance later on :)
Brightest Blessings... and Sorry for the novel reply :-p
Soraya
The difference now is that you will recognize if you start falling down that hole. Know that it's lingering on the edges, and know that you have to take action to keep yourself out of it. Take steps every day to feel positive and live in the light.
((hugs))
I usually give my muscles individual permission to relax, daydream about a misty Highland castle, and feel blanketed in comfort as if I'm in the womb. I understand the feelings of anticipated loss you're having. I've known a lot of people with fear of death and it wasn't really fear of death, it was fear of not living. They hadn't done what they wanted to yet and the thought of dying meant they were incomplete. Fear of losing loved ones can mean a few things; one is that they provide something to you that you cannot provide yourself with such as pride, compliments, incentive (in which case you need to learn to do those things for yourself so it's never in someone else's hands) or you feel an incomplete relationship with them--you still have yet to tell them how you feel, or do something with them you promised you would, or some other not completed task. Good luck figuring it out. I know that once you get to a place where you realize that "as long as I have me, everything will be okay" then you can be truly able to enjoy life without worry.
Hey Greek Witchy. I feel quite close to you as well. :) I will try to create a video for all the chakras. Hopefully, they will be useful to you. As such, I was sleepless that last few nights. I find that melatonin and valerian root help me with sleep, but last night I also drank a glass and a half of red wine before bed. That really put the oomph into my sleep potion and I drifted right off and stayed there. :)
As for your dark thoughts, I hope they lift soon. It sounds like you're doing all the right things.
I have felt that edgy sense of living on a precipice, as if your whole world were a full cup balanced on the edge of a table. Here's a weird trick which sometimes works: stand up and physically take a step backwards. It sends a signal to the primitive part of your brain, hey, I can back away from this problem, I can take in the big picture and handle this.
I don't know if it will help in this case or not, but I just wanted to say, I appreciate your post. I've been there.
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