Back pain and fairies..

With a title like that I am wondering what you are expecting to read. I have not made any crazy connection between myosceletal issues and woodland creatures. It is just that my thoughts are more random than usual!
It has been 3 days now that I am down because of back pain.  But tomorrow I am going to my chiropractor and I will be as good as new!!!  For now I am extremely grateful of my recliner and my heating pad that I am resting on all day!!
 I miss playing with Melina Nefeli but at least we snuggled a lot and watched baby Einstein together! She loves those puppets..
 As soon I am able to move again, I am smudging the house though!!
 Have I told you that my fairies are back? Or at least my four leaves clovers are... They were gone all this time that I had other people taking care of my plants!
 I have only be tending to their needs for a couple of weeks and I spotted a tiny one!!
See? This post was just a teensy bit crazy!

Imbolc blessings..

.. to all! Today we made candles!! A big one and two small ones!! My husband helped me with the wicks! I can't get them straight... ever!!
But I can't say I was in the best of moods! Maybe the lack of sleep and the menstrual cramps took their toll! But today, on Brigid's day, I just can't come to terms with the decision to stop breastfeeding!
As I have mentioned in the past here, I was exclusively pumping(because baby could n't latch) for the first six months and then gradually adding solids to baby's diet.  I want to gradually stop my milk production by the end of March which would be 8 and a half months of breast milk for my little one but I feel so guilty and completely torn!
I understand now how emotional this process really is, even in my situation that I use the machine! I have to stop, because it is very time consuming and because the hormones wreak havoc on my thyroid and I am out of balance!
I read somewhere:"Whoever said don't cry over spilled milk was not a nursing mother.."
Oh! How true is that!! I have cried so much over breast milk! First it was n't enough then it was too much! Then I had to throw out 10 litres of it(!) that I had saved in the freezer because she wouldn't drink it! Then she would again! Not to mention the sleeplessness, mastitis and many other fun things that at some point included me sleeping with leaves of cabbage in my bra(yes, that really happened, I smelled like coleslaw in the morning, and not in a good way!).  Plus, I have n't had a tequila for almost two years! I could really use a shot right now!
But the most important reason I want to stop is to be able to take the baby for fun trips and outings and I can't do that if I have to be here every three hours for at least half an hour. Athens is beautiful in the Spring and I don't want her to lose her first one.
So, I need to focus on the positive and prepare for it! I ordered some formula to ease her into the change in a couple of weeks. As I am writting all that stuff down I realise how small of a deal it really is and how much exaggerated it is in my head.
I am heading off to use the  water I blessed during the black moon we had a few days ago! A water to celebrate change and transformation.
As the Wheel turns so must I..

About songs and endings

I can not sleep! I am sitting motionless, completely still, listening to the rain falling hard outside my window. It feels as time ceased and I am lingering in a dark void.
Today was my final recital and I got my diploma with flying colours. Naturally I am overfilled by emotions, relief, happiness, love, pride, emptiness, nostalgia! It took me ten years to get here which is very little for that sort of thing but it is almost a third of my life and my entire adulthood! I can not stop thinking.. Well good, now what?
In one hand, I am a certified soprano, I could start a career and on the other I always thought that would be the end of the line for me! I was stretched too thin to get here and I kept pushing myself forward by thinking, just a little bit more, you can do it. I persevered but what I have not thought out, was the fact I do not want to quit! I do not care if I am not doing that professionally(I can not afford the time or the effort of that pursuit), but I just have to sing! When I perform I feel close to the Goddess, it is spiritual and it takes all I got!
I do not know how it is all going to work out timewise but ever since I came home I can not stop crying and that says something!! I will find the time! At the beginning of the year an operatic theatrical team asked me to join them, I think I will do that!
I was never good in dealing with endings, so I have to make it into a new beginning! Because I realised my musical side is not just something I can turn off!
Forgive my long rant, but you all know by now, you act as my extremely underpaid therapists!

New Year's Eve

The very last day of the year has started and with it gone, so will be my twenties(not officially till August, but still!). 2013 was very special to me, my life got so much richer(although i definitely got poorer, babies need a lot of stuff!). It seems as if everything is painted a little bit pink. I  feel more free and so much stronger(although on a physical level, sometimes walking is a struggle!).
Since the year is about to change i want to do a thorough cleansing in my home, without any actual cleaning though because my back is killing me today! So today i am going to burn some labdanum and roses and let that sweet smoke reach deep into my soul.
Have a blessed New Year's Eve full of love and laughter!

Just a month to go!

Greetings dear  blogfriends! How are you doing this holiday season? These are the first winter holidays that i have enjoyed so much! Being festive with a baby is unbelievable fun! Everything is almost back to normal! My back does n't hurt so much! I am not pumping milk more than 6 hours a day! But between baby and work not much time is left for me to study! I can not wrap my head around it, but the fact is that my singing diploma exam is less than a month away! Just by typing this pure panic takes over! I am so not ready! But the thing is my almost 11 year studies reached their end and soon this part of  my life will be over!  I will miss it terribly, but at this point i am not thinking of making room in my life for classical singing! Singing maybe, but classical singing requires a devotion i just can't afford!
On Christmas day i gave a lot of love to my plants! They were so happy the next day!All this time because of my back i had other people taking care of them, and they were healthy, but all this wonderful energy they used to emanate, was not the same, if there at all. Even my pomegranade tree that used to have four leaved clovers growing underneath it, had only plain three leaved ones! I still have so much gardening to do and i can not wait!
With my exam just around the corner my whole life seems to be on pause. I am not functioning as i should. All this stress has taken its toll on my sleeping and eating. It's only been a week since i stopped biting my nails and i just can't convince myself  to diet!
For me dieting is not about restrictions and denial of certain foods but about planning ahead. It is the way my brain works... if i want to succeed in anything i have to think it through. So, if healthy living is the goal scheduling meals and exercise is the way!
Soon! Life is going to start again soon!

Have the merriest of Christmas...

..with love and light!!!

Choosing light over darkness sometimes takes all you got

Greetings blogfriends. How are you? I have beeen away for so long! Melina Nefeli is growing up so quickly she now wears clothes for 18-24 months old and she is only 5! She knows the words milk, mom, dad and hi(in greek of course).  She has two best friends in the form of the two most caring and loving cats that constantly compete for her attention.
This last couple of days something sad happened to me. I realised just now that i have never talked here about my relationship with my father. It has always been a really strenuous one. He has a bad temper and it was really hard growing up with a person that constantly calls you and your mother names, yells and throws stuff and threatens you with physical violence(that he has not acted upon). His episodes happen completely unexpectedely. The minute you let your guard down, show him affection or even think of giving him another chance he has a violent outburst. In the five months of my daughter's life he has n't seen her more than fifteen times and in that little time he had with her he managed to cause the three most negative experiences of her life. The first when she was a newborn he started yelling at my mother because she said they should leave. The second time he came with my mom to take the dog and he was waiting in the car and my mom stayed a few more minutes. He repeatedly pressed the bell(who he knows is a very loud one) for over thrity times(probably a lot more he was doing it for several minutes), making both the pediatrician and a client of mine who were here to ask worryingly what is wrong. And the third one and last one ever when he came with my mom two days ago and while i was feeding the baby he started calling me names and cursing loudly in my apartment building and in front of the baby  because half an hour earlier i told him not to kiss the baby's hands because she puts her in the mouth. This kind of language has never been spoken in my house before. This kind of yelling never took place in the past in my house and i promised myself that my baby will not see that kind of ugliness again. So, i cut him off. I told my mother i never want to see him again in my life. My baby will know only love and compassion.
I feel free and calm and i knew when it happpened that it was for the best. A true blessing in disguise. Somehow, although for years we were astranged, through my mom he found a way back in my life. Now i do not have to put up with him ever again.
The minute he left and i put the baby to sleep i cast every cleansing, protection spell known to man.  Before i begun i was so angry at him.After that i was exhausted but the rage was gone.I even felt sorry for him and all the things he lost and will lose from our lives. I was calm by then and i knew what needed to be done. The Goddess was truly in my heart. And the next morning i turned a new page in my life.
There were a few moments that the light and darkness fought inside me. And he is the only person in my life that made me want to use dark magic(several times in my life i had thoughts i am not proud of). I am so glad i did not feed that endless cycle of hate and i just let go. Now there is room in my heart only for love and that would not be the case if i chose to channel my anger into something bad. That was n't always the case.
When i was a teenager my mom and i were reading a book of magic while taking breakfast(we were weird like that). And there was a dark spell to cause harm(i do not remember the specifics). Only like many others that it had blanks were you put the name of the person and the name of its mother. And i did not perform the ritual i just read it outloud with his name in the blanks. My mom freaked out. We were n't studying dark magic to cast it but to know to protect from it. Within the hour he came home violently ill. I was amazed. I did not do the ritual, i was not even concentrated when i read  the spell. But there was all this residual anger lingering, waiting to take form that it made it easy. I read the reversal and my mom was cleansing our home for months after that and i never did anything like that ever again. But i remember how easy it felt. I do not want to admit it but i liked it.. It felt like i was gaining control of my life when in fact i was losing it.
When i felt i could not protect my baby from him all those feelings resurfaced and i had to focus on the people i love and everything i care about to not get sucked into the darkness. I am so happy i did. Hopefully everyone will move on now.