It is 4.30 am and i do not feel like sleeping. I went through all of your recent posts. I listened to music. I played with Phoebe and yet here i am. Sleepless in Athens!
I have some strange thoughts lately. I am constantly afraid of losing people from my life. Which is weird because death is not something that scares me. Well, loss scares me. I have only lost my grandmother and it is a pain i do not want to relive. I know that it is a part of life but suddenly the need to hang tight from the physical world takes over. It is not like me and i am trying to turn it into something positive. I spend a lot of time with friends and family and try to make the most of it.
Lately i feel i am more like myself. I am reminded of the person i used to be before all the darkness filled my life with coldness and pain. And i am grateful it seems to be over now and that i am capable of living! Balance is a difficult thing to accomplice. I am not there yet, but i am closer than before. Maybe that is where the fear of loss begins. I am afraid of getting lost again into that dark cold labyrinth that with every step i take i get deeper and deeper inside it , more lost and more alone. Until everything is so overwhelming that breathing gets difficult and living impossible. That is what scares me. To be once more an unwilling viewer of my life not able to control it.
Control is an illusion that can be very dangerous. To gain it, you can allow yourself to do unbelievable things and transform into something unrecognisable.. I understand now that i can not control everything. I have learned it the hard way.
But maybe, just maybe i can control my sleeping habits and make them a little more tollerable! I head to bed now. Wish me sleep! Blessings to all!
It is 4.30 am and i do not feel like sleeping. I went through all of your recent posts. I listened to music. I played with Phoebe and yet here i am. Sleepless in Athens!
at 4:24:00 AM
Celtic woman,being eclectic,being solitairy, i do not self harm.If you can come up with a better title i am open to suggestions!
Right now with my second coffee at hand i listen to celtic woman 's beautiful voices! I am so thankful for internet. I can watch any time i want those amazing ladies perform into castles. It is a magickal world.
Everything is magickal these days! I am completely taken over by magick! What an amazing feeling that is! That everything is possible and that i am capable of anything.
I have never told you about my beliefs, weirdly enough! What being eclectic means to me. I am Wiccan as far as it harm none. I believe in Summerland of some sort. But although the truth of the Goddess and the God lives inside my soul, i do not name them. I do not use deities in my craft. I believe that every god of every religion is empowered by the collective love given to it by people. I believe that every god and goddess is an aspect of the God and the Goddess. But i do not feel the need to name them. Sometimes i call them Lady and Lord but that is it. And although i acknowledge their dark aspects, the ones that bring end and loss into our process of development i do not consider those dark aspects as their evil parts. I am saying this because i know there are some people that consider the God and the Goddess no good nor evil. I find light in their core. I also believe that some malevolent entities exist in our and/or other planes. I have felt such beings and i know they have nothing to do with the life force i devote myself to.
That being told i am a Witch,i follow the old ways and i celebrate life as much as i celebrate death, as death is to me the beginning and not the end. I have the need to talk to people with similar beliefs and there have been times i was n't alone in a ritual, but i am solitairy because my rituals are intimate and i am kind of shy and i have n't met yet people that i feel i can trust that much. Maybe further down my path some of those things will change. Maybe one day i will be part of a coven. This is something i wish actually. That i will find someones i trust that much. But right now i am not ready for such a thing.
As i said before these days are full of magick. The day before yesterday i burnt my hand while making some tea. The shape of the wound is a waning moon. I know this will sound a little weird but i hope it leaves a mark. I love marks on my body, even stretchmarks. It is like a diary. At this point i have to let you know that i do not cut or burn myself on purpose for any of you wondering how come i am not in a psychiatric clinic!
Blessings to all!
at 10:58:00 AM
Merry meet everybody! Today i have been feeling like a big change is about to come. It is sort of like the feeling of the end of summer and the beginning of autumn and school! Although for me summer just begun! I can feel it deep down to my stomach and i can hear it in the wind. Something new is coming! Maybe it has something to do with the transformation that comes from inside me. But whatever it is, i know it is powerful.
My whole entity is on alert, either i walk by a tree or i pet my dog or i water my plants it is there. Never letting me forget, always reminding me of the expectation of change. Something is almost here. Something unknown. That is always scary. But i have faith in my destiny and in what 's to come.
Have you ever had this feeling yourselves? A constant unsettlement, warning you for something, not always bad, but always new? Have you ever heard something calling you while the wind played with a tree "s leaves?
at 8:24:00 PM
Hello everyone! Summer vacations are here! I just returned from my concervatory and i did great! It was a teeny tiny bit stressful but i am proud of how i did!I sang an arie antique, one Mozart and one Schubert. Last couple of days in my readings for myself something bad seems to be coming. Thank Goddess it was n't my exam! I hope it is nothing serious and just another mood swing!
My delivery just arrived. It is a steak with mash potatoes and grilled veggies and a quesadilla! My stomach was tighed up all day and now i am relaxed and can eat.Although i have to admit i was much calmer than other times. Before going i drunk a camomile tea and did some deep breathing and it actually worked.
Now i can concentrate on my Midsummer preparations!
Be blessed everybody!
at 6:35:00 PM
Hello everybody! I hope everybody is okay and getting prepared for the Sabbat. I made up my mind and i will go to the beach! There i will be able to celebrate,perhaps P and my best friend will be joining me. Otherwise it will be just me and Phoebe(doggy). I will be there around 4 am, i will light a fire, and i will make an altar. Around it i will gather some rocks and create a circle and have a huge celebration even by myself. My optimum goal is to connect with nature and open a bit my root chakra. I will meditate and i will charge my crystals and i will enjoy the sunrise! As you can see i am really waiting forward to it. I need a break!
Blessings to all...
at 5:09:00 PM
Merry meet my friends. I am in a great mood today and i want to thank you for the support and feedback. I also want to welcome you all to visit Sarah 's new blog: dancingsoraya.blogspot.com .Although, i have to notify you Sarah honey, i can not leave a comment. By the way, i 've been there done that.. searching in the middle of the night for an animal needing saving! We are one of the craziest blog communities and we take great pride of that!
Today i want to make an ice tea. I am going to use spearmint and honey. I have never tried that tea cold, but i think it will be tasteful. We 'll see!
Midsummer is getting closer and closer and i am torn. I can not decide whether i should have an intimate ceremony indoors, or an outdoors ceremony which in Greece you need a permit for, one that is impossible to get( i have done it illegally in the past many times). On the other hand we have door number three. I could go in my summer house and have an outdoors ceremony in my garden. But this place brings back some bad memories and i do not visit it very often. Hopefully i will create some new happier ones that will bring positive vibes.
I may not know where i will be but i know i will be making some pies, that it will be colorful and that i will be decorating my altar with fruits and flowers. There will be music and it will be lots of fun. What about you? What are your plans for the Sabbat? Are you going to celebrate by yourselves or with your family, or a group? I want to hear all about it. Till then..Brightest blessings!
at 3:45:00 PM
Power went down and i lost the post that i almost completed! As i was trying to say before, these days i am more relaxed and calm. I think that using the sounds of nature as a meditational tool and listening to them in my sleep has contributed to this.
Usually this time of the year i am totally wired and stressed over conservatory exams. But a major change has taken place and i am even considering of not giving one of the exams because i do not want to push myself over its limits once again. I am trying to live in the moment and do things that i feel like doing instead.
Like the fact that i am making a chakras balance test in a guestionnaire form. I am going to keep you updated on that.
On a happy, happy, ecstatic note i found a priestess and wait for it... a priest for my handfasting ceremony next year. Do you remember the new occult shop i was so excited about? While i was there i met the owner, a sweet girl and we talked a lot. I told her about wanting a ceremony yatta, yatta, yatta and today we talked on the phone and she offered to be herself the highpriestess and her husband the highpriest. This proves to me once again that when you trust your path of life you get touched by the universe 's pure force of light and love. I knew the perfect person will enter my life and it did.
On the downside, i have some issues. These days i am trying to fight some demons from the past. I can actually sometimes hear my mothers voice in my head telling me i have to lose weight. You see i do not measure beauty anymore with external characteristics, but some left overs of my mom 's preaching come to bite me in the .. every once in a while! Do not worry, there is not a chance in hell i am going to be one of those brides fasting themselves before marriage! I am just a little bit valnurable to her criticism now the wedding is more a reality than a possibility! Beauty is about energy, feelings, confidence and our innerself! These are the things i have to work on. But still it is hard to feel rejected by a person who is meant to love you no matter what, because of your looks. But i am strong and this is her problem not mine. She is going to lose a lot if she won't be able to accept me for the person i am. Besides, it does n't matter what anyone thinks except me and P. And in his eyes i am the prettiest gal.
Does anyone else thinks that blogging is better than therapy??
Brightest blessings to you all.
at 2:03:00 PM
I just read my previous post and i want to make clear that i do not hate men. It seemed like it, from what i said but if i hate someone is the Media not men. I believe that we can achieve some sort of Outopia by finding the balance between male and female energies. I absolutely love male energies, that vibrant feeling of energy boost. I also love female energies and the peaceful feelings they provide. We all have a piece of both of them. Big or small it is there, the piece of the Goddess and the God that we carry inside us, the piece of divine amongst our humanity.
The last couple of days i felt lost, dissapointed by myself and my lack of energy (that may have something to do with my period that is going on for about two and a half weeks!). But after last night and the beautiful moon that rised and helped me work with my crystalls and their healing abilities i have been better.
But now, i am great! I just got to my hands some cds with sounds of nature. P. made them into one cd and so it can last for like 10 hours. This means we are going to sleep with those sounds. My cat Tsitsini is now in the bedroom listening to it and trying to figure out what is going on. It is wonderful. Plus i have my doggy Phoebe begging me for some ice. She loves those icecubes! She is actually chewing them. That is when she does n't follow them around the house. The dog is ecstatic.
So as you can tell, i am not working today. Mainly because i was n't in the mood. I need some time for myself. To relax and restore my energy levels. I already meditated once today and i am going to do it again. I made lentils soup for dinner. Not fancy but healthy!
Love and blessings to you all!
at 10:04:00 PM
Lately i am trying to come to terms with the way i look and i am pissed off with all the racism! I mean we grow up in a world where we have all the opportunities to learn how to distinguish right from wrong. Why is it easier to everyone to judge than accept?
I want to be able to love myself the way it is. With the stretchmarks and the extra pounds. And what does "extra" really stand for? "Extra" from what?
And why is normal so fricking good? It only shows lack of courage to just be yourself. To just be.
Who really dictates us what is normal and what is not? It used to be the church(male perspective). I really think that the world is getting more tuned in with the feminine energies. To find the balance with the dominant (male) ones for so long. So now the christian church does n't have as much influence anymore. So who is behind all this? Who is telling us how to think and what to say? Is it now the media? Is media now the male 's perspective? It definitely is n't the feminine 's perspective. I mean what about the infomercials? Have you seen a cleaning product's infomercial with a man doing the cleaning? Nooo! It is always a lady. And what about that lady? She is thin, probably blonde with huge boobs. Am i right? So the rest of us who are n't a copy- paste of that infomercial we are just not worth of attention? Is our value greater when we are thin with a compulsive obsessive behaviour of constant cleaning?
I saw a tv show and there was a girl crying because the last time she went to the beach( three years ago) someone yelled at her:"Carefull everybody whale!" Who does that? So many people trying to conviense themselves they have nothing to be afraid off and they should enjoy life like the rest of the world, go to the beach and have fun. And then that girl comes to our screens proving them and me who believed in evolution wrong. That girl could easily be me. I am not sure i could restrain myself from hitting that person. I can barely restrain myself from hitting someone who tells me i gained weight.
What is it with everybody to stating the obvious? Do they think i do not have a mirror? That they provide me a valuable piece of unknown to me information? That i have n't realised it yet and they are being helpful? Or is it their way to show me the new me is disturbing them?
I also love the question. Did you gain weight? If i answer no, will they believe me? And the other question...Why did you gain weight? Once i have answered the deepest psychological reasons of my weight gain. She did n't expect that response. People are often surprised with my lack of shame. They expect me to feel guilty for not being thin anymore. We are all expected to fit in a pattern. I am proud of not!
Blessings to all of you.
at 3:22:00 PM
Yesterday while reading a new blog i am following i had an epiphany! Although in my everyday life i help and guide others, i do not let others help me! I do not ask for help when needed! And even if i do, in those rare occasions, i do not accept it! I find it relatively easy to selfsacrifice and provide to others what needed, but to open up to someone(even the people closest to me) is as hard as it gets.
So yesterday while i was having a ritual for cleansing my new beautiful crystalls under the moonlight, and preparing them for the full moon that comes, i opened up!
As you can probably imagine i have asked for guidance from the Goddess many times in the past. But last night i really meant it! So, because i felt i had to, i closed my circle, grabbed my goddess deck of cards, litten up three candles( one for every aspect of Her) and asked for guidance! One card for every candle! The first was Aphrodite the Goddess of love and sexuality. The second was Xochiquetzal the Goddess of flowers and change. And the third was Artemis the Goddess of femaly energy and independence. After that i meditated under the moonlight. I went to the place where my darkest of thoughts dwel, and i found out thoughts and images of self mutilation, horrifying enough to make me understand i fight with myself! It was hard and there was a point it felt beyond hope. And then Her healing touch, Her warmth and forgiveness, Her love and acceptance set me free. I did n't want to come out of it, but eventually i had to. And all that left me with the knowledge of the obstacles i have to overcome. Loving myself perfectly even though i am imperfect. Accepting myself the same way i accept others. Forgive myself and allow me moments of weakness.
And although yesterday now seems just a moment in the past i still carry the feeling of obligation to honour Her and to accept Her help! I must learn to love me.
Blessings to all.
at 1:14:00 PM
Does anyone know what is going on with Tip Toe Chick? She has n't been in her blog for a couple of months now and i 'm pretty sure she is not vlogging either! I hope she is okay.Blessings to all!
at 1:45:00 AM
Hello everybody! Did you miss me? I am sorry i have n't posted for a while something that had n't to do with child abuse! What an adventure though! With all that going on i forgot to mention that i bought a new book of shadows! My previous one was very pretty, a beautiful notebook, small, but cute! I wanted to make one to pass on to my children for a long time! So i visited Istar a new occult shop, which i fell in love with and there it was! It called out to me! It costed 50 euros and it is handmade, decorated with leaves and a triquetra and it has about 150 pages! I love it! I made an entry with a spell of initiation, which i think suits the first page. And the second page i filled it with information about the Box of Ashes, that i already told you about! I decided that i will not divide it into issues like spells, potions, divination etc. I think the Book of Shadows is meant to be a part of a witch's life. It grows as she grows and it follows the needs of her. So i guess it is going to be a mess, because i am a mess! But that's okay! I also want to decorate the entries i make with pictures! But i can not draw!And that is an understatement! I am awful! I hope i will have a child one day that can draw so the book will be beautiful. I tried to make a pentacle in the first page but do not worry i used a pencil!
I also have some new crystalls that i am waiting till Sunday to charge! A new Esbat is coming! Do you have the feeling that time flies and we are just trying to catch on? It has been a month since the last full moon and it felt like a second! So i am going to celebrate this Esbat the best i can! Last month my plans were destroyed by a huge fight with P. But it was tough astrological for almost everybody, Mercury retrograde, Full moon in Scorpio.. What did you expect? Sanity? Not in this house!
I also made an Esthir! It is a potion (more like a cream) that brings lust! I have a friend that she was feeling selfconscious lately and i made it for her! I tried it on me also! That was fun! P. loved it! I definitely loved it! I tried it on an other friend and she got a date and some good comments! Now we will have to wait and see how it will work on the person that i made it for!
Blessings to all of you, my beautiful, beautiful friends!